Help Others Choose to Live

I know everyone is sad about the suicide of Robin Williams.  Over the years he spent a lot of time in the living rooms of families all over the world.  It must feel like a personal loss to so many.  I always had  mixed feelings towards him.  Sometimes I thought he was funny and often times I did not.  On many occasions he  rubbed me the wrong way.  His energy was often chaotic in interviews.  Media is  currently using the word “manic” as if that means funny or crazy funny, but he simply felt manic to me.  There was something about him I couldn’t look at.

At some point, I learned he was a recovering addict.  I heard him speak about depression, loneliness, and isolation.  Learning that, I felt a lot more compassion for him and realized my revulsion was simply a turning away from a reflection of self I couldn’t look at.

The news is reporting he was sober for a total of 20 years before relapsing again.  I can’t imagine how disappointed he was in himself for that.  He must have been very hard on himself.  He had lots of support to help him recover, but in the end he must have felt he had no one.  I imagine the shame of failure being so intense.  I imagine how worthless and hopeless he must have felt.

Suicide is not to be talked about in our culture.  It’s the worst sin.  Even in yoga, Yogi Bhajan says it is the biggest display of lack of humility.  Yogis believe if you kill yourself you reincarnate immediately taking away the chance of another soul to incarnate.  I don’t like that.  I think it’s very judgmental and only contributes to the stigma of suicide.

I understand suicide and the desire to not live.  I’ve suffered anxiety since childhood and have self-medicated with many substances including alcohol, shopping, hurting myself, and my favorite of all, work.  It wasn’t until I was 32  that I found  meditation and yoga.  It has helped me so much to deal with my anxiety, but when triggered, I still have the tendency to dive into work as a means by which to escape my negative and degrading thoughts.  This throws my whole life out of balance pretty quickly and then I’ll pitfall right into depression.  It usually takes a few days, weeks, or even a  month of deep disciplined routine and meditation to get me back to balance from there.  I usually go into isolation as I process.  I want to reach out and talk to someone, but I just can’t because I don’t want anyone to know I’m having a problem.  I also become very mean to myself and while I know not to believe my degrading thoughts, my anxiety makes part of me think everyone is thinking poorly of me…not just me.

This is a cycle I’ve repeated since childhood and with awareness through yoga over and over for the past 13 years.  I’m 45 now and when I flash forward to age 63, it now dawns on me I have 18 more years of this battle until that age.  I’d like to say it gets easier, but it really doesn’t get that much easier.  The distance between being triggered becomes greater and I’m less and less likely to fall into the pit of despair so that seems MUCH easier.  I’m now more balanced than not balanced on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis.  However, it is a disciplined daily practice to stay in balance.  If I quit, the deep grooves in my brain developed in childhood go into use again.  The chemicals in the brain become a sour mixture and down I go.

I’ve found myself wondering these past few days if he just got tired.  What if he just got sick of the daily battle?  I get tired too and wish I was “normal.” Hello fear.

I think a lot of creative people like to get up in front of people and act.  It’s one of the reasons I love teaching and public speaking.  I slip on a persona and put on a show.  It’s fun and you can only see what I show you.  (or so I think).  I lose myself when I’m teaching and speaking and writing.  I like who I am in front of people.  It just gets hard when I’m out there in the real world.

I wonder if Robin Williams felt that way?

The practice of meditation, mindfulness, and yoga is truly beneficial and beautifully incorporated into the other therapies and modalities needed to treat depression, bi-polar disorder, manic depression, borderline personality disorder, and even just a consistency in having the blues.  Having a strong community supporting you and noticing you are suffering is really important.  As you practice at Elemental OM, please look to those around you and send them love.  Reach out to each other as friends…even if it is just in the studio.  Let others know you care.

I hope this is helpful, Pamela